As dog parents, we have an extraordinary amount of love to give, and we often find so much of our identity and joy in this role. As a result, when our dogs pass away, we can feel deeply lost, lonely, and scared that life will never be that wonderful again. Additionally, learning to love after loss can initially seem immensely difficult.
I do not believe we ever “move on” after this loss; instead, in time, we can learn to live in a way that makes them proud of us. This can include bringing a new love into our home. To do this, though, we first need to process our grief and manage whatever fears we have about loss.
Understandably but unhelpfully, many of us attempt to cope with our thoughts and emotions of grief and fear by avoiding the scenarios that elicit them. Avoidance, however, prevents us from experiencing what we need to process, which gradually leads to us becoming numb. This avoidance tends to generalize over time into all aspects of our lives until we find ourselves living a halfhearted, unfulfilling existence.
Coping Skills: How we can begin overcoming our fear of loss
Awareness.
Before we can overcome what scares us most, we must first name it. What are you most afraid of? Be as specific as possible. I ask this because our frightening thoughts and feelings can become so ingrained that we immediately accept them as true.
Coping Skill: We must remember that our thoughts and feelings are not facts, nor do they represent the inevitable happening.
Act.
Our fears are just fears: our minds create them to make reality seem scarier than it is, in a misguided effort to “protect” us and keep us away, even from what we love.
Coping Skill: When we gather the courage to face our fears and act despite them, they begin to fade away. This also allows us to put our time and energy into what is most important in life.
Reframe.
Whenever fear strikes, try to “reframe” it – think of it from a different viewpoint.
Coping Skill: Instead of picturing all the “bad things” that can happen in a scenario, think of something positive that could come out of it. Even better, what’s the best possible outcome if you act despite your fear?
Ask.
Our feelings are there to tell us something, so let’s ask what their purpose/function is.
Coping Skill: Ask your heart, intuition, God, the universe, or whatever you feel comfortable with. What are your fears trying to tell you? What is the message they are trying to convey? Can we learn anything about ourselves by questioning them? Can we accept them with understanding and compassion toward ourselves but refuse to let them dominate our lives and decisions?
Be Authentic
Remind yourself who you are at your core – an amazing, kind, generous dog parent who would move heaven and earth for your loved pets.
Coping Skill: Go to a quiet place, ask yourself the following questions, and answer them honestly. What would it look like to put the person you wanted to be in the world? What would your life look like if you were fearless in doing what you want? What could you accomplish? Who could you become? Who would be better for this? What good could be done?
Speak with those “who get it” / have been there themselves.
Those who have grieved the loss of their dog in the past want to support those now struggling with this heartbreak.
Coping Skill: How often do we hold our dark/scary/sad/painful feelings in because we fear how others might react or think of us, especially our loved ones? When grieving, we need human connection, particularly validation regarding our devastation and the magnitude of our loss.
Understanding
A new dog can never replace the dog who has passed, which is the best realization. The love you shared with your dog, who died, created a genuinely incomparable bond. Death does not end this relationship; it never could. The spirit of our animals is always with us and lives forever in our hearts.
Coping Skill: By acknowledging that a new dog will be an entirely separate being with his/her personality, affection style, behaviors, quirks, mannerisms, and preferences, you can free yourself of any guilt you feel about loving again.
Opening our hearts to love after loss
While they were alive, our dogs loved us wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Though they are no longer physically with us, they would want us to be happy, as they always were in our presence. For so many of us, this happiness includes the love of a dog. Indeed, when we open our hearts again, we honor their lives while saving another.
