Valentine’s Day, more than any other day of the year, commemorates love. The holiday encourages us to cherish the ones who fill our lives with devotion and affection. But what if the one we adore the most has passed away?
Special dates can create a sharp contrast for those of us who have lost a beloved companion animal. The swell of grief around Valentine’s Day is a common occurrence for those of us who wish our pet was here to celebrate with us. While special meals, sparkling decorations, and heartfelt gifts are meant to prompt joy, they can also serve as painful reminders of the times we shared with our pets.
Perhaps we want to engage in the festivities of the day, but then are reminded of the devastating void created by their absence. We might even feel guilty for trying to enjoy ourselves amidst our heartbreak.
If you’re contemplating how to get through Valentine’s Day without your companion animal’s physical presence, these coping strategies have been shown to help:
Plan a meaningful day
Valentine’s Day originated as an early Christian feast day honoring two Italian martyrs named Valentine. Later, in the 14th and 15th centuries, the date became associated with romantic expressions, coinciding with the arrival of lovebirds in early spring. By the 18th century in England, couples marked the day by exchanging sweets and love letters, the latter which were referred to as valentines.
Today the holiday has expanded to include our furry best friends, with pet parents spending an estimated 1.1 billion on toys and treats in 2022. While of course we wish we could lavish our pets who have passed with their favorite things, we can honor their life and their legacy.
Even when we are deep in grief, we still have so much to offer. Indeed, when we do things for others, we feel a sense of purpose. For example, we can donate extra sheets, blankets, and towels to a rescue or shelter; volunteer for an hour at an animal welfare organization; or offer to take our elderly neighbor’s dog for a walk. Gentle reminder: often the warmest, kindest gestures do not cost any money.
Focus on what you can control & plan ahead
There are a lot of things we can’t control on Valentine’s Day. For example, we may be subjected to cards and bouquets for sale at the grocery store, or we may overhear our co-workers excitedly talking about their romantic dinner plans.
While we can’t prevent these occurrences from happening, creating a simple, practical plan for how we’ll manage them can make us feel more in control of daunting situations. For example, driving yourself to a gathering, or riding with a trusted friend who will take you home whenever you want, gives us an “exit strategy.” This often ameliorates the anxiety over how sad or difficult we think something is going to be, knowing we can easily leave at any time. This can also help us enjoy the activity much more than if we felt “stuck” or “trapped” there.
If you are nervous about tearing-up or becoming flooded with emotions at the thought of your beloved pet on this holiday, try carrying their photo or something that reminds you of them (their collar, a tuft of their fur in a protective keepsake, etc.). Pulling this item out and holding it close to you can help ground you in the present moment and create a safe space to take a deep breath and regroup.
Note: Loved ones may try to convince you to participate in an activity with them, thinking they are helping to “cheer you up,” but acts of self-care and time spent alone are restorative too. Think about what you need to get through this time.
Start a new tradition to honor your memories
You may want to consider creating a meaningful and beautiful memorial for your animal who has passed. You can write them a valentine in heaven, bake heart-shaped cookies and deliver them to the staff at your pet’s veterinary practice, or craft a keepsake with their belongings (e.g., having their collar made into a bracelet, their leash into a belt, their water dish into a flower pot). Finding a way to honor them every Valentine’s Day can serve as a tangible reminder that although they are not physically here with us, their legacy lives on.
Allow yourself “all the feels”
Valentine’s Day can prompt a myriad of feelings. We might feel enamored, guilt, dread, loneliness, and sadness all within a few moments. We need to allow ourselves to feel these emotions without judgment, or thinking we should be happy, or that we shouldn’t be smiling. Grief is not linear, and there are no rules as to how we “should be” feeling on this sentimental holiday devoted to love.
Consider what your pet would want for you
While they were alive, our pets loved us wholeheartedly and unconditionally. It can be especially helpful to imagine the Valentine’s Day our pets would want for us, and how they would want us to feel. Of course they would choose to be with us if they could. However, since they cannot be, they would want the bond you shared to comfort and sustain you during your most heartrending times.
