Why are we brokenhearted with the loss of our companion animals? With fellow humans, especially loved ones, our relationships are complex; they are full of highs and lows, miscommunication and misunderstandings, disagreements, and hurt feelings. Our pets, however, always seem to make us feel better, even on our worst days. We come to rely on their unconditional love and devotion. When they die (often deemed “crossing the rainbow bridge” amongst animal lovers), their absence leaves a gaping void in our lives. This loss is real, and it’s devastating.
Several scientific studies show that humans are biologically predisposed to feel a deep connection with animals because they have been essential to our survival for millions of years. Current research maintains that they continue to provide us with several physical, cognitive, and emotional benefits today. Due to this remarkable human-animal bond, the loss of a pet can provoke profound grief symptoms for us guardians. While there are many unique theories about what the grieving process entails, generally, all agree that experiencing a full range of thoughts and feelings are normal and to be expected; these can include shock, disbelief, emptiness, loneliness, guilt, regret, shame, anger, helplessness, insecurity, fear, fatigue, and functional impairment. Acute symptoms typically last for about one year; however, unexpected reminders of our pets can provoke an overwhelming response when we least expect it. Furthermore, special days such as anniversaries and birthdays can prompt bittersweet memories, too – cherishing the moments we had together but wishing they were still with us.
It’s essential to recognize that grief is not linear, and the first few weeks and months can seem surreal. We may feel strong one moment, then absolutely devastated the next. Furthermore, we don’t solely grieve their passing; we also grieve all the future moments we won’t have with them physically here. This is especially true if we expected them to live longer than they did.
In my work, I have found that there are five activities a guardian in grief can do that brings some relief during this fragile time:
Take care of yourself
Protecting moments in your day to engage in soothing activities can provide respite from overwhelming sadness. These might include lighting a candle, taking a bath, watching the sunrise or sunset, looking at the stars at night, gardening (especially if you plant flowers or a tree in your pet’s honor), or connecting with an understanding loved one who will listen. Immersing yourself in nature can be deeply healing, even if it’s just a brief walk outside. If you are creative, you might consider expressing your thoughts and feelings through writing, painting, putting together a scrapbook, or playing a musical instrument.
Establish an enduring connection to your pet
When ready, you may wish to incorporate meaningful items such as their photos and belongings into your daily life. For example, you might make their leash into a belt, collar into a bracelet, use their food and water bowls as flower pots, and/or have their ashes, fur, hair, or feathers made into jewelry. You also might choose to have an art piece commissioned or make one yourself and display it in a prominent area of your home where you’ll see it every day.
Perform acts of kindness
Even deep in grief, we still have much to offer. When we do things for others, we feel a sense of purpose and identity. For example, we can donate extra sheets, blankets, and towels to an animal shelter, volunteer for an hour at an animal welfare organization, or offer to take an elderly neighbor’s dog for a walk—gentle reminder: often, the warmest, most heartfelt gestures do not cost any money.
Find meaningful activities
While grief manifests differently for each of us, it can provide us with an opportunity to reflect on and prioritize what’s most important to us in life. Doing so can also instill hope, courage, and the ability to cope with what feels impossible at times. A good place to begin is, to be honest about what you genuinely care about. To get started, you might want to consider questions such as:
· What do I consider a fulfilling life?
· What am I proud of?
· Who do I want to become?
· What inspires me?
· What do I want my legacy to be?
· What do I want my pet’s legacy to be?
· In what environments do I feel like I can be my genuine, authentic self?
· Who and what do I love the most?
Consider what your pet would want for you
It can be especially helpful to imagine the life our pets would want and how they would want us to feel. Of course, they would choose to be with us if they could. However, since they cannot be, they would want the love and closeness you shared to live on in your heart and to sustain you during your most challenging times.
In closing, I know there is a tendency to focus on your pet’s passing and the events leading up to that day, especially if the loss was sudden, unexpected, or traumatic. However, what can be helpful is to remember that up until that moment, they LIVED, and there were glorious times! These are memories you will have forever.
