Each milestone after the loss of a beloved companion animal can prompt poignant thoughts and feelings. Often loss leaves us feeling stuck, guilty, or confused about “moving forward” in our lives. We may find birthdays, adoption days, traditions, and other special events bittersweet. There may be a longing to relive previous celebrations when our pets were alive and with us. This article discusses ways we can remember and cherish our pets who have died while living a whole and meaningful life, and cope with the passage of time.
Let’s start with the very first day of the year. New Year’s is recognized in our society as the holiday of new beginnings – a fresh start, an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, a chance to recreate ourselves. For those of us missing our animals, these sentiments contrast those we are experiencing. Indeed, many of us find New Year’s a difficult holiday to celebrate. Some may even dread it, as each calendar year marks the passage of time further away from the life we shared together.
If we are having difficulty moving forward in our lives, often a helpful and effective first place to begin is to reframe our expectations about what this means for us.
“Moving Forward,” ≠ “Moving On”
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based psychological treatment based on the understanding that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are connected:
• Thoughts affect how we feel and behave.
• Feelings affects how we think and behave.
• Behavior affects how we think and feel.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy means shifting the way we think (our cognitions) and changing our behaviors, so our feelings begin to improve.
It’s possible to lighten our feelings by reframing the thought patterns that cause us to get stuck in the heartbreak, hopelessness, and loneliness associated with the loss of our pets. This is because the emotions that cause us the most suffering in life often stem from beliefs that are untrue or not entirely true (often referred to as “cognitive distortions”). What we tell ourselves has a substantial effect on both our grieving and healing processes.
For example, telling ourselves, “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday without them,” or “I’m dreading 2024 because they aren’t here,” keeps us stuck in grief. However, if we can gently reframe our thoughts, we will likely begin to feel more stable and capable. For example, we might tell ourselves, “they are forever in my heart,” or “nothing can ever take away the memories we shared.” The key to effectiveness is that the new thoughts must resonate with you. It’s alright to start small, “I was a good dog, Mom, the day I ______;”.
Changing Our Behavior
It may also be possible to lift our grief symptoms by changing certain aspects of our behavior. When we mourn, we often engage in behaviors that seem protective and comforting in the moment. It’s possible, however, this worsens our mood and outlook on life. For example, staying in bed all day when we feel depressed may offer temporary relief, but ultimately exacerbates our heartache. Other physical symptoms of grief may include exhaustion, nausea, sickness, weight loss or gain, pain, night sweats, heart palpitations, feeling faint or lightheaded, and insomnia.
Important Note: Our feelings are valid, so we don’t attempt to intervene here with the CBT model directly. We can’t feel joyful just because we want to be, nor can anyone change our emotions for us (“I’m here to cheer you up!”), but we can try the above strategies to lift our mood.
Reminders of Grief Are Not a Set Back
Your grief doesn’t end at a certain point after your pet’s death because LOVE doesn’t end. Also, please know that reminders often bring back the pain of our loss – even years later. It’s helpful to recognize that these feelings aren’t “setbacks.” Instead, they reflect that your pet’s life is deeply important to you. Knowing what to expect and how to cope with reminders of your loss can keep you functional and stable.
I want to acknowledge that specific reminders of your pet might be inevitable. For example, a visit to their grave, the anniversary of their death, or activities you know they would have enjoyed. Hearing about the death of a loved one’s pet can also trigger heartrending reactions. Reminders may also be tied to our senses. For instance, you might suddenly feel flooded with memories when you walk down the pet aisle at the grocery store. Another trigger could seeing a dog with similar features or playing with a friend’s new dog. The course of grief is unpredictable – some days, we may feel intense, and some days, we may fall apart.
Because grieving happens on different timelines, below are several ideas for coping as we navigate loss of a beloved animals. Furthermore, knowing that you’re likely to experience reminders can help you anticipate and accept them and even turn them into opportunities for healing.
Practical / Cognitive Coping
· Plan an activity that takes all your attention (so you don’t have time to think about your loss) – an art class, cooking, candle-making, horseback riding, or yoga. Either something you love or have always wanted to try.
· Write a letter to your pet in heaven.
· Start a new tradition on a meaningful day in your pet’s life.
· Donate ($ or supplies) to a charitable organization in your pet’s name / sponsor an adoption.
· Plant a tree or flower in their honor in your garden that you can watch grow in the coming years.
Social Coping
· Pet-themed date night/coffee where the main topic of conversation is your pet.
· Schedule a gathering or a visit with loved ones when you’re likely to feel lonely or sad (on their adoption day, birthday, etc.)
· Stay connected to your support systems, such as spiritual and social groups.
· Walk/run a 5K for an animal rescue/welfare organization.
· Attend a pet loss support session through your local SPCA, humane society, or an organization such as the Pet Loss Community (PLC).
Altruism Coping
· Leave flowers/a plant, a homemade dish/dessert, or a note on the porch of a struggling loved one.
· Volunteer an hour of your time for a cause that’s important to you.
· Drop off donuts at your vet’s office or for animal shelter staff.
· Order coffee delivered to a friend’s house one morning as a pleasant surprise.
· Offer to run errands for an elderly neighbor.
· Babysit a friend’s kids so that he/she can enjoy a peaceful moment to do something they enjoy.
Emotional Coping
· When we are in deep grief, we can focus on something we are grateful for. For example, if you are afraid that you will forget your memories with your pet, remind yourself of the effort you made in creating them.
· Write. Sharing thoughts on paper is essential because, as humans, we tend to ruminate on the worst moments in our lives. This process can make us feel incapable, exhausted, and hopeless. We are more likely to feel peace once we have some emotional distance from these beliefs. Writing thoughts down can help create distance.
· Read / Listen. Reading, or listening to a podcast, about someone we admire who has gone through loss offers new perspectives on surviving and remind us that we are not alone.
In closing, please understand that if you are experiencing grief – months or even years – after losing your pet, it’s because you are still experiencing love. Love does not fade with time; with the right approaches to poignant reminders, we can embrace this enduring connection.
