Everything we do at What The Pup is to make your time with your dog more meaningful, including saying goodbye. Often there can be a stigma around pet grief and loss, and even knowing where to find resources/grief experts if you choose to seek them out can be difficult.
That’s why we invited Dr. Katie Lawlor, a pet grief and loss expert, to participate in one of our expert takeovers in the What The Pup community Facebook group. Dr. Katie Lawlor received her doctorate from the joint program between the Stanford University Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences and the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology.
We’ve pulled some of the questions from the takeover and her responses for people to glean some expertise or comfort from Dr. Lawlor.
Q: Hi Dr. Lawlor, ‘My boy’ died a month ago tomorrow. Everything is still very raw. When I look at photos and videos of him, it confuses my brain, as I then expect him to appear, and that breaks my heart. It makes me not want to look at photos and videos of him, but I also don’t want to avoid them and for them to become off-limits. Any suggestions on how to approach this?
A: Please know how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I call the first few weeks to months after the loss of our dogs “the surreal time;” nothing makes sense — grief brain is very real. I might suggest putting your photos and videos of your boy in their own designated folder for when you are ready. I couldn’t look at reminders of my boy Gem, who I unexpectedly lost in August 2020, for about a year without breaking down: this is entirely normal. If you have them safely kept, they will be there when you are ready. I can also recommend the Pet Loss Community, run by two amazing veterinarians who are dear friends. Finally, I recommend checking with your local humane society or SPCA — they often offer free groups online or in person. For example, I facilitated the grief and loss group of the Sacramento SPCA for a year+, and this was an incredibly supportive community.
Q: Is it going to be hard to use the same name of my old pet for my new puppy?
Q: I didn’t lose one of my pets, but I was a Rover dog walker for a 12-year-old pittie, and she unexpectedly passed away a couple of weeks ago. I still go over to feed her cat brother, and just seeing remnants of her, like her treat jar, is getting to me. It’s like she was my pet even though I walked her for a half hour a few times a week. I’m incredibly emotional to the point where thinking about animals in dire situations is an instant tear-jerker, even if there’s a happy ending. How can I move past the loss of a pet that wasn’t mine?
A: Thank you so much for sharing this — if you loved this pet, then regardless of who the guardian was, your loss is entirely valid. You shared part of your lives every week. Of course, you are going to feel the profound impact of her death…and acknowledge this. I resonate with William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Morning to help with grief related to losing a beloved pet. The acronym is TEAR:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adapt to your new environment without their presence, in which they are missing.
R= Reinvest in our new reality without them while maintaining that connection.
Q: How do I handle guilt around my pet’s passing?
Q: Hi Dr. Lawlor My boy Dandy died almost two years ago. I feel like I will not be sad. He was my life; everything revolved around his medicine and health. I just miss him so much.
A: I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Dandy. We miss them so much because they gave us unconditional devotion and loyalty…and the meaning and fulfillment they brought into our lives. Their deep love and strong bonds provided stability in our lives that can be hard to find with fellow humans.
Q: How do I stop thinking critically after my pet’s passing?
Q: Our Ziggy is 18 years old, and we know the time is coming for him to crossover. We would love for this to happen in our home. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on this?
A: Some veterinarians specialize solely in this, and I have heard beautiful stories. I think finding a vet who you find comforting will make all the difference. Also, please do not hesitate to ask them as many questions as you have…when you know what to expect and feel like you can trust them, it can help with the anxiety and concerns surrounding your preferred plans.
Q: What are some practices I can start to use to cope with the knowledge that my pet is getting older and might be gone soon?
Interested in reading more? You can read the entire thread from this takeover in our Facebook Group here. We have expert takeovers every few weeks where we invite Trainers, Separation Anxiety experts, Pet Nutritionists, and others to share their expertise and answer questions. If you have a specific topic or theme, you would like us to explore, email whatthepup@spotandtango.com and we will schedule an expert related to that topic!
