Arthur’s been my ride-or-die for seven years now. A 75-lb German Shepherd, I adopted him when he was just 15 pounds at three months old – the runt of his litter. Loyal, dependable, calm, attentive, expert cuddler…Arthur is all of the good things and yet sometimes, hmmm, what’s the word… judgmental? Maybe he’s too well trained? Too discerning? Maybe he thinks I need a third parent in my life, I don’t know (maybe I do?). Somehow, the script has flipped on who’s the parent in this relationship.
The 5 Ways I Feel Judged By My Dog
1) Judged By My Dog: Eating in Bed
It’s not like I’m downing crunchy tacos or sloppy joes in bed – maybe just a few spoonsful (or a pint) of mint chocolate chip or a couple chocolate-covered almonds. But geez, the looks. Everyone does it – chill the freak out, bud. You’re giving me body image issues.
2) Judged By My Dog: Coming Home Drunk
I mean, it’s been a horrendous year – cut me some slack. But nope. It’s like he knows the second the door knob turns. I don’t get the usual cheerful greeting, just a walk back to his bed, head turned down in disappointment. “I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
3) Judged By My Dog: Working Out
Thanks to COVID, Arthur now gets to exercise judgment on my exercising. As if it’s not hard enough to show up in spandex for my trainer and work off the COVID-19, but add to that, Arthur comes to the mat and just sits at the end watching. Every now and then, I’ll get a paw to the leg like “Hmmmm, yeah, I don’t know about this.”
4) Also, My Cooking
The dog will eat any bizarre bacon-flavored or meaty treat we buy, but my homemade cooking – not a chance. Truly, he’s the only one I’ve ever known to turn his nose up my famous vegetarian meatloaf. If it comes from my pots and pans, he’s not interested. Or maybe more accurate: my recipe-testing co-pilot, Arthur is not.
5) Lastly, Singing
This one stings especially bad. I love singing. In the shower, around the house, in the car – anywhere. But by the second or third note, I get a look that’s almost one of pain. Like “look, lady – I know you’re trying and you think your voice is fab, but this is torture. Please just stop.”
Oh, Arthur. How you manage to put a 41-year old woman in her place so quickly at the ripe age of seven, we’ll never know. You’re wrong about that singing though.
Got some gripes about your judgy pup? Let’s hear ‘em. Email us at whatthepup@spotandtango.com
